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- Tori Copper
October 11, 2017

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Customer Service Fails - 5 Ways to Lose

Hi! Thank you for underinvesting in customer service. How can we not help you ?

Some people think that a customer service approach takes years of practice and fine-tuning. But they’re wrong — it’s actually pretty easy to be the worst. 

We want your customers to know that they are your NUMBER FIVE priority, right after thinking about lunch, buying lunch, eating lunch, and thinking about dinner.

82%* of customers stopped doing business with a company after a bad experience — so let’s get started on crafting that perfectly miserable experience.

1. Don’t resolve a customer complaint — ever

It’s nice when customers give us money, but, to be honest, we really don’t want to hear anything they have to say. We’ve heard it takes 12 positive experiences to make up for one unresolved bad one, so really make that one bad one really count. 

2. Make ’em wait!

Long hold times are one of the easiest ways to lose customers forever. Let the soft elevator music ringing in their ear melt their business away. 

3. Fake it!

Sometimes customers rattle off about products you know nothing about. That’s ok. We recommend making up a vague answer or pretending to have a British accent to sound more charming and convincing.

4. Show off your emotional range.

Having a bad day? Feeling frustrated and volatile? Let everyone know — especially the elderly customer who’s trying to figure out how to turn on his phone. We like to see a broad range of emotions — the moodier the better!

5. Be a robot.

If you’re not in a yelly mood, we encourage you to be a robot. Not just a subdued person, but an actual robot. Preferably a poorly-built robot who doesn’t understand anything. That’ll send them running.

If you are tired of all the customer service fails, join us!

Source: *Mary Meeker Kleiner Perkins Internet Trends May 31, 2017

About Simplr

Simplr was incubated and funded by Asurion, the largest technology protection and support provider in the world. Serving more than 300 million customers today, Asurion gives Simplr the secure financial backing and access to a broad range of customer service capabilities developed over its 23-year old heritage of customer experience excellence. Where enterprise-level solutions are costly and restrictive, Simplr can provide world-class customer support tailored specifically to the needs (and budgets) of high growth startups.


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